Something that I have really come to realise after deciding to go to university and move to England is that it is the first thing I have done completely and utterly for myself and my own future.
I know that this is one of the reasons why I am constantly still freaking out. It is, of course, a mix of me being scared about the next thing that is gonna happen in my life, and that it is something uncontrollable. that is a big fear of mine anyway. not being in control.
But there is something else that I am scared about as well and that is actually to think about myself and what makes me happy. I am the person who will always think about how other people feel, and adapt myself to the situation. even if it is the smallest things such as going to dinner some place and not wanting to tell people I cannot eat their food because of allergic reasons. I have always done what is better for the people around me than what is good for myself. Because I don't want to cause a scene or to be annoying or irritating.
It was the reason why I as a 13-year-old vegetarian, stopped being a vegetarian because I felt bad about saying no to the food other people had taken their time to make for me. So I started eating meat again and didn’t even like it. I have the same thing now with gluten. I literally feel physically bad after having eaten something with gluten in even a couple of days afterwards, yet I can never say to the people I hang out with, be it my friends or family, that I can’t eat what they are eating. I just go along even though it is my own fault I get a terrible stomach ache afterwards. I literally would rather cause myself physical pain than saying no to eating stuff with gluten in because that is easier and then I am not being selfish or rather I am totally ignoring myself and don’t take my suffering serious.
I don’t take myself seriously.
Here are some examples; I have only just recently started taking more selfies whereas before I couldn’t take pictures seriously either. Taking pictures with others is hard as well because I will always goof around and not be serious. I don't do solo singing because I can’t take it seriously even though I have been professionally singing in a choir for 13 years. I can’t practice singing in a serious way when I am alone because it is too intense and then awkward because I don’t accept that it is something I am good at and therefore don’t take myself seriously again.
Last week I was hoovering while Matt went grocery shopping and I put in my earphones and turned up the music so I couldn’t hear the hoover or myself singing and I just danced and sang as loud as I could. And I remembered that this is the reason why I love listening to loud music in a car and singing along. Because it is so freeing and you can’t hear me singing but I can take myself seriously for a moment and actually practice.
I have never done something I have been proud of because I don't let myself be proud. Because there is no point in taking myself seriously other people are more important.
So to start uni and study something with the sole reason of making myself better at it and to choose to live alone in a different country is a path that is only MY path. And it is the first time I have chosen to take myself seriously. And THIS is the reason why I am scared. Because I am pushing myself out of my comfort zone of being altruistic and to be more selfish. I need to be more selfish! I was so scared, and am still scared, that I wanted to stay in Copenhagen only to be with Matt and do nothing else than being with him. Because that is the easiest thing I have ever done. Caring about him and pushing aside the need to actually be caring about myself. Matt said no to me staying for that reason. He wants me to think about myself. And I completely agree. I need to think about myself.
The blog post about the 4 things I am going to do when I live alone is only some of the more superficial yet very important things I need to learn to do. I also need to dig further into myself and start to let myself do things I like and love as well as taking myself more seriously.
Studying my dream course, living without Matt is the start of taking myself seriously because I have let myself study something I have always been interested in. I do have the drive to do something I am interested in. And I can make myself proud. I can become successful because I will learn to make myself important and take myself seriously.
I can do this.