MY UNIVERISTY DECISION AND FUTURE.
It has taken me a very long time to come to terms with my decision on going to uni or not. So many things have been put up against each other and considered. Endless lists have been written and I've talked to so many people and listened to so many opinions.
Basically, this decision is so crazy hard for me because no matter what I choose, I will opt out something that I love. Whether it is to leave my beloved Copenhagen, apartment, friends, daily life, safety net and Matt. Or if it is to stay and opt out of a chance to educate myself and start my career.
If you don’t take my mental health and mindset into consideration, there would really be no doubt. Of course, I had to move to England and start at Kingston University. And if Matt had moved with me there also wouldn’t be any doubt. Then I would have had my support and my rock with me. But it's not as easy as this. Because it's all a bit like I have to move from home again. This time it's even tougher though when it's almost involuntarily.
It feels like I have to choose between two things I love. My dream education or my everyday life and dream man. I am really good at making everything black and white and not find what is in between. It's really hard for me to have a positive view of a future I can’t imagine and see through. When I imagine that I go to England, I see nothing. As if the three years is a hole in my future and I'll come back home again and then I can imagine career and house and children. It is VERY scary that I can not plan my future because I feel best when I can.
Of course, I am also afraid of losing Matt in all this. That the distance again will be too much and that I also lose myself in it. But when I imagine that I am 10 years older, then I can easily see me and Matt together. I wonder are we as a couple strong enough to do it?
The norm says that you should follow your own dreams and not let anyone stand in the way of it. But what if my dream is to live with Matt and have a secure life?
You have to do what makes you happy and I am so unsure about what's going to make me most happy.
Therefore, I have accepted my offer from Kingston University to study Furniture & Product Design on the 18th of September 2017.
I have decided this because the only things you regret are the ones you didn’t do. And if I do not try this, I don’t know how it would have been otherwise. Maybe this will make Matt and me stronger as a couple and I will be stronger as a person and I get a great job because I now have the foundation and skills for a career in this field.
I told myself that if it doesn’t make me happy in the long run, then I will stop. And I should not feel that I have failed because of it. Right now I have won because I have let myself do something I would NEVER have thought I could do. That is already a victory. And if I do not complete my BA, I have listened to what I needed and that in itself is a victory again!
But right now this feels like the right thing to do, and I am looking more and more forward to this new chapter in my life. By giving myself some time to think about every scenario, I have made myself more calm about the reality of those scenarios.
So just to spit out a cheesy quote from my current favourite series Please Like Me, "A ship in harbour is safe, but that Is not what ships are built for."
And that I can chew on while I pack my Copenhagen life down for a while and move to London again to start my dream course!